My husband left me for another woman

Dear Auntie,
My husband left me for another woman 2 months ago! I'm freaking out right now!! I can't even feel anything but fear and failure right now. I'm totally depressed and I'm not sure life is even worth living at this point. He says we can work things out without a lawyer but my family tells me I NEED a lawyer. I can't imagine my future without him. I feel like I'm paralyzed. I can't move in any direction. I'm afraid to do the wrong thing. I don't want to have a long drawn out court battle but I'm afraid if I don't get a lawyer, I will end up with nothing. We've been married for 12 years and own a home together. We don't have any kids together so that isn't an issue. I just don't know what to do next. I can't stop crying. Everyone is telling me I'm better off without him and I know they're right but I can't work due to illness so how am I going to support myself? He says I should move in with one of my kids but I don't want to burden them. They are young adults just starting their families and don't need their mother getting in their way. I hate him Auntie!!! I never imagined I'd end up single again at my age. Now what?
Tearfully yours,
Depressed and alone

Dear Depressed,
I am so sorry to hear that your jerk face husband is one of the many who cheat on their spouses!!! I know exactly how you're feeling right now. I know that fear and depression can be paralyzing. I remember sitting in the dark, alone and crying, feeling like I was completely and utterly alone. My kids would come visit and bring my grandkids over but even seeing their cutie pie faces didn't take away the dark cloud that had filled my heart. I had shut down and stopped talking to people about it because they kept telling me "It will be ok. He's an ass, you're better off without him. You'll find somebody better. Don't be depressed. Go for a walk. Get some sunshine and fresh air." Etc etc etc. blah blah blah...Even people who had been through horrible divorces said stupid stuff like that. So I am NOT going to tell you any of that. At least not in the beginning.
I AM going to tell you to NOT make ANY decisions right now!!! Let me repeat.
. DO NOT MAKE ANY DECISIONS RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!
Do not let your, soon to be ex jerk face, rush you into making a decision on ANYTHING right now. Getting a divorce, especially when it wasn't your choice, is a loss that you will mourn over. Give yourself time to mourn. Be sad, angry, hurt, confused, pissed off, and every other emotion that comes to you. You can't stop being sad or depressed just because someone tells you to stop. You have every right to feel sad or be depressed!! Most days, in the beginning, I didn't even get out of jammies. Some days I couldn't even bring myself to take a shower. I just didn't care; about anything. The few people I did tell, about how depressed I was, would tell me "You have so much to live for. Your kids and grandkids etc". The truth is, I was so depressed that even my kids and grandkids weren't reason enough to get up in the morning. You have to allow yourself time to heal. Tell people "Just give me time to feel what I'm feeling. Then I will make some decisions." How much time? Well that is different for everyone. Don't let anyone rush you or pressure you. But at the same time, your jerk face isn't going to wait forever. I would say that it's probably time, since its been 2 months, to ask your doctor about an anti-depressant. Just to get you over the hump.
Personally, I try not to take meds if I can find a natural alternative. *I am not a doctor and my opinion should not be taken as medical advice. Always seek a professional, medical consult before beginning any dietary or supplement regimen.* Sorry but I have to add disclaimers since I am not a medical professional.
Anyway...this is what I did. My daughter was getting really worried about me so she did a ton of research on depression and natural remedies for it. She found that Niacin (vitamin B3) had been found to "cure" severe depression. It is water soluble, like Vit C, and whatever your body does not need/use will pass through your urine. I started taking 1, 500mg capsule, 3 times per day for a few days and then upped the dosage to 2 capsules, 3 times a day, then 3 capsules, 3 times per day and so on, until I felt better. I ended up taking 2000 mg, 3 times a day. That was the dosage that worked for me.
So, whichever route you take, to help your depression, once you start feeling better you can brush your teeth, take a shower, put on your favorite outfit and maybe some makeup and THEN start to make some decisions. Your first decision needs to be that HE is an ass and YOU deserve better!! You deserve to be happy and you deserve, and are entitled to, half of everything you and he own. You are also entitled to alimony and possibly some of his retirement. Each state is different. I do recommend getting an attorney. In some states you can go to the "legal aide society" for free legal services. I don't know if they will represent you in court or just help with paperwork. There can be a lot of paperwork that is very confusing and there are deadlines as to when each paper has to be filed.
Go to your state's website and read up on "contested" and "uncontested" divorce. You need to decide which one is right for you.
Uncontested means you and jerk face agree on how to divide assets, how much alimony, how much retirement you will get and so on. Uncontested is much cheaper and faster, because you don't use a lawyer. You should still get legal advice even if you decide to go this route.
Contested means you and jerk face do NOT agree and want a judge to decide. You and the lawyers will argue your case in court and then the judge will make the decision of what is right and fair for each party. Lawyers usually ask for a "retainer". This means you pay them, up front, a certain amount to represent you. Then on top of that you will pay an hourly fee for every phone call, email, paper written/filed and every other thing they do for you. It ain't cheap I can tell you that!! Ask the divorced people you know if they can refer you to a good lawyer. I STRONGLY suggest that you ask for jerk face to pay your legal fees as part of the settlement. Some judges will award that and some will not but it can't hurt to ask. If you get a lawyer, do not have personal conversations with your ex. You may unknowingly undermine what your lawyer has been discussing with his lawyer.
At this point your friends and family are going to become legal "experts". They'll tell you stories of "my friend did this and this is what you should do". Just thank them for their support and then either file their advice in the "circular file", AKA the trash can, or make a note of it to ask your lawyer.
Speaking of "making a note of it". Get a new notebook and start writing down everything. Keep a list of questions to ask your legal advisor, whether it's the aide society or a paid attorney, write down your thoughts and questions. You've heard the saying, "there are no stupid questions..." Well, sometimes there ARE stupid questions but not in divorce. There are too many different variables in divorce to keep track of yourself so ASK QUESTIONS. Search the Internet. Become your own advocate by researching divorce laws in your state. This will help you come up with questions that you may never have thought of yourself.
Keep EVERYTHING!!! Every letter, every email, every text message. If you have a conversation with your jerk face, as soon as it is over, write down the date, time and every word of the conversation. Both sides. What he said AND what you said. Keeping a log or journal will help you to remember what was actually said and not what your emotions tell you was said months later. Bring your notebook to court with you every time you go. This way you can remind yourself and your attorney, or the judge, what, when and where things happened.
Do not ask for the moon. Only ask for what is "fair". The judge will look more favorably on you if he/she sees that you aren't trying to "take him for all he's worth". That was one of the things my friends and family kept telling me. "Take him for all he's worth". Judges do not have an emotional stake in your divorce and they do not like seeing scorned spouses trying to rake the other spouse over the coals. Find out from your attorney what you are entitled to under the laws of your state and ask for exactly that. Make sure your attorney knows of your inability to work. That will factor into the settlement you receive. IF you became disabled DURING your marriage, you may be entitled to more. As an example, jerk face may have to continue to pay for your medical expenses even after the divorce is final. And we all know that medical insurance, meds, hospital stays, surgeries and more, can put you straight into the poor house.
Be ready. You can't really prepare yourself for the emotional ups and downs of the divorce process but do not be caught off guard either. Again, knowledge is key. Educate yourself so if jerk face and his attorney start playing dirty, you know what the law says. Do not be surprised if jerk face brings up stuff that happened years ago. As one example, my ex jerk face wanted me to "reimburse" him $32,000 for an inheritance he received a year after we got married. First off, the actual amount was only $17,000 and secondly, we used that money to buy a car that he took with him when he left me. I had ALL the paperwork we ever received abut the inheritance and the car so I was able to prove that he was lying. When I told him I had proof, he dropped that subject altogether. HA! I'm no dummy you jackass!!!!
Now, speaking of paperwork, get yours together. Every bill, receipt, tax statements, pay stubs, mortgage documents, HELOC statements, credit card statements, etc... Everything you can find from the entire time you've been married. Including your medical records/bills. You may or may not need some of these but better prepared than sorry. Find them now so that when you have a deadline to file something with the courts you aren't scrambling and stressing out trying to find that one piece of paper in a sea of papers. You do not need more stress in your life right now. Make a permanent divorce file. Keep this file for many years!! I don't have an exact number of years so I suggest a timeline of...forever. Not really forever but you never know if jerk face is going to take you back to court years from now to try and change your settlement. If he changes jobs, gets married, has more kids, gets injured and can't work, retires or whatever, he may try to get your settlement changed so he can pay you less or stop paying you altogether. And if you've never done it before, start keeping a separate file, from the date of your divorce forward, of all your living expenses and medical expenses. You may need to use them in the future as well.
Make sure you are at least trying to take care of yourself. I know how hard it is when you're under so much stress but you HAVE TO at least try. Get enough sleep, make sure you are eating healthy and if you can, get a little bit of exercise and time outdoors. Sunshine is the best natural remedy for stress and depression. Do not let jerk face win by allowing yourself to fall apart completely.
And don't be afraid to ask for help. You are NOT alone and people will want to be there for you, so let them. Let them cook for you. Except the invites to coffee or dinner. Try to find something other than the divorce and your jerk face to talk about. If you can't think of anything else because your entire life IS your divorce right now, ask people how they are doing. What they are doing. People love to talk about themselves and their kids so let them. It will give you a little down time to NOT think about the divorce.
Just because it's "final" does not mean its "over", emotionally speaking. Once the judge signs off on your divorce and your papers get processed and stamped "Final on this date", there are going to be many more emotions that come. So again, you can't really be prepared for what you'll feel or how you'll respond but be ready. You'll get your final papers in the mail. On that day, you're going to feel "something". Maybe you'll be happy and relieved that its over or maybe you'll be sad again that your marriage is over. Then you may start getting letters in the mail from insurance companies, credit card companies etc. It seemed like all these companies were rubbing it in my face and reminding me that I was a failure because my marriage was over. I remember asking, out loud, "How many times and in how many ways can the world keep reminding me that I am a middle aged, failure and will be alone for the rest of my life?" I cried each time something new showed up in the mail, teasing me, taunting me and reminding me that I am now single at my age. Allow yourself to feel those feelings but DO NOT let jerk face "win" by letting yourself go back to that dark and lonely place you were when this divorce began. When you get one of these letters, cry for a bit and then call a girlfriend and go out and celebrate that you have a new lease on life.
You get a "do over". You get to reinvent yourself. You get the opportunity to start from scratch and become anything or anyone you want. You're like the kid that just graduated high school, except, YOU have hindsight on your side. You have life experience on your side that the 18 year old, high school grad, doesn't have. Therefore you can make more educated decisions on which direction you want your life to go.
Do not live in the past, full of regret but rather look to your future, full of excitement for the new things that you will create in your life.
I hope to hear from you again. And I hope that you are able sign your letter, "Happy, Healthy, Single and ready to take on a new world".
With love and encouragement
Auntie
You can email me questions at askauntieann@gmail.com

Restless Leg Syndrome

Do you lay awake night after night with this horrible, almost painful, feeling in your legs that only moving them helps? It makes you crazy and you try to will yourself to NOT move your legs. If you can just have enough will power to not move them, maybe you'll be able to fall asleep. It's a feeling that is difficult to describe to someone who has never experienced it. You try and try to fall asleep but you absolutely have to move your legs so you get at least 3.5 seconds of relief.
As a kid I had these awful feelings that would keep me awake and I would kick my feet wildly and thrash around, like a fish out of water, as long as I could or run around my room until my legs felt like jelly. I had no idea what was wrong with me and my parents would yell at me to "go to sleep or else". I tried! I really did. I wanted more than anything to be sleeping instead of my legs freaking out and keeping me awake.
As an adult, I would have those same "I'm going to die if I don't move my legs" feelings when I would fly. I even tried paying an arm and a leg, no pun intended, to fly First Class hoping that having the extra leg room would help. NOPE!!! Not even a little bit! So I am the person pacing the isles while other people sleep soundly and arrive at their destination refreshed and well rested. I on the other hand am exhausted, cranky and want to hurt someone.
Or maybe you have "jerking" movements while you're sleeping. Maybe the person in the bed with you at night complains that you are kicking them or moving so much they can't sleep. Of course you are sorry you disturbed their sleep but at the same time you want to yell, "Oh YOU couldn't sleep? Aw, poor baby! YOU couldn't sleep. NOW YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL!!!!!"
Ok, so maybe you're not the sarcastic type that I am but after about 3 nights of no sleep, I'm a little bit cranky. Or grumpy as my daughter points out. By night 4 and 5 of no sleep, I just want to rip someone's head off. Fortunately I am not a violent person by nature.
It was half my lifetime before doctors gave this a name. Millions of people suffered and thought they were the only ones. When they complained to their docs they were told to exercise more, don't eat late at night, don't drink caffeine, don't smoke, don't don't don't...people had to self medicate by taking sleeping pills or drinking alcohol before bed. Which I have tried both of those and it makes it worse because then I'm even more tired and more frustrated that I can't sleep. Which makes me more "grumpy" the next day.
Fortunately, modern medicine has finally caught up and gave it a name. Some people are even able to get on disability for it because they aren't able to safely perform their job or stay awake during the day long enough to hold down a job.
For more information on RLS, you can search the web or go to this site...
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001810/
I also recommend you visit MDJunction.com They have a support group for folks like you and me that suffer from this non-life threatening yet still horrible, agonizing and miserable syndrome.
Do you have RLS? Have you found anything that helps? Please share your successful treatments with us in the comments section. If you follow me on Pinterest, I've pinned a few treatments. I haven't tried them yet but I plan to very soon.
Here's wishing you many restful nights of sweet dreams and peaceful slumber.
Auntie

One of my favorite websites

If you, or someone you know, have any kind of illness, disease, disorder, syndrome, addiction or ailment, I HIGHLY recommend the website MDJunction.com
It's a great online support group. They aren't doctors, just people like you and me, across the globe, helping each other get through the day.
Disclaimer: I have no affiliation with the website. I am not sponsored by them and I do not get ANYTHING by recommending them.
I just wanted to put it out there. It's a great place to go to know that you are not alone.
www.mdjunction.com

Should pot be legal?

I personally am not going to write about politics. I want to stay away from the political issues of whether marijuana should be legalized or not. I don't want to get into the "war on drugs" with this post. I am merely asking a question to you, the readers. A few days ago Colorado became the first state to legalize marijuana for recreational use and there are several states where it's legal for medicinal use IF you have a prescription.
For me, I tried pot twice in high school but I didn't get anything out of it so I never did it again. If it wasn't going to be fun for me then why risk getting busted over it.
As an adult, I have been very much against pot. In fact, one of my children started using pot as a teenager and we had many epic, world war 3 type battles over it. I was so adamant against it that when he was old enough, I gave him a choice, "quit using pot or get your stuff and get out of my house!!!" He packed his stuff and left.
Now, several years later, I find myself wondering if a little bit of "medical marijuana" would help ease my chronic pain. I suffer from several chronic pain illnesses, migraines and insomnia. I'm still on the fence. I've tried everything the doctors recommend. I've had major surgeries that were supposed to help and didn't. I've had several doctors say, "I don't know what else I can do for you." Seriously, I've tried it all and it's been so bad lately I'm feeling desperate. I've done a lot of research about medical marijuana and I've read all the pros and cons. BTW, it IS legal in my state for medicinal usage WITH a prescription.
I have also read that just because your state says it's legal, the federal gov't still says it's illegal and federal trumps state every time.
So what do you think? Should the federal gov't legalize marijuana? Should it be legal ONLY for medicinal use or should be legal for recreational use as well?

Should I stay or should I go?

Question from Kansas Cowgirl:
Dear Auntie,
I recently found a text on my boyfriend's phone from another woman. At first he said, "she's just a friend" but later he said, "I'm sorry. It was inappropriate and it won't happen again." Apparently he has been texting and talking to her for a month or more. She does not live in our state and they have only met in person when I'm around. Yes, I know this for a fact.
My boyfriend and I live together and run a business together. I am a single parent of two young boys and their father sends very little child support. Our business pays the bills but money is still tight. Our business is at our home so I don't have to pay for childcare.
If I leave him, I don't know what I'll do financially but I don't want to stay in a relationship for financial reasons alone.
My question is...Do I accept his apology and stay or should I bail out now?

Dear Kansas Cowgirl,
I believe in second chances for most things except cheating and abusing. If he has never cheated or given you reason to doubt him in the past, I would give him a second chance. I would however, let him know that this is the ONLY second chance he gets. There's no room for the three strike rule in relationships.
If he HAS cheated on you before this then I say leave now. I know that some relationships have survived infidelity but I am a firm believer in "a leopard can't change his spots".
I understand why you are concerned about finances, when considering leaving, but please do not let yourself become a doormat for a cheater just because money will be tight. There are resources out there for single moms that can help with groceries, electric bills, childcare, rent, etc. Possibly a family member could help out with the kids while you're at work.
I'll try to post a list of resources for you soon but in the meantime check out your state's website and see what they offer. The federal gov't has a resources page as well.
Best of luck Cowgirl
Auntie

I'm here for YOU

You should know, I'm not licensed in anything!! I'm not a doctor and I don't play one on TV. Ha ha! I have been asked to write an advice "column" because for some reason people are always coming to me for advice. 9 times out of 10 they come back and thank me for the suggestions I gave.
I'm a mom of 2 and a Grama of 2. I've been rich, poor, used and abused, married, divorced and everything in between. I was a single parent when my kids were 1 and 3. I'm former military and prior law enforcement. I was married to military and survived 12 deployments with my sanity intact. I can stretch a dollar and pinch a penny with the best of 'em.
I've been through A LOT in my life so any "advice" I offer is from personal experience and research on a particular subject. If I don't know, I'll find out. But BE WARNED...you may not like what I have to say. I'm a shoot from the hip kinda gal. I'll tell ya straight up what I think so if you don't want to hear an opposing viewpoint, don't ask me.
The purpose of this blog is to offer advice, tips, helpful suggestions and more. I want it to be a place you can come to to ask questions and get answers to the every day life issues. A place where people can help themselves and others by offering helpful ideas based on personal/professional experiences.
So grab a cup of coffee, tea, hot cocoa or maybe a glass of wine and let's dig into life together.

Here's a list of topics I plan to cover. If you have other things you want to talk about just let me know.
Marriage, divorce, relationships, parenting, child birth, taking care of ailing/aging parents, crafts, pets, decorating, trash to treasure, cooking for specific health issues, natural/homeopathic remedies, nutrition, chronic illness, women's health issues, budgeting, penny pinching, stretching a dollar and military spouses...I'm sure I'll come up with more.

I'm hoping others will chime in as well and we can all learn something from each other. Keep it clean!! No foul language, no putting people down because you don't agree. Any offensive comments will be deleted. We're here to help and learn from each other. A healthy debate is fine, honest opinions are great but I won't allow bad mouthing or cussing.
I guess that's it for today...
You can email your questions to me at askauntieann@gmail.com
Ciao for now