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Friday, November 16, 2012

My husband left me for another woman

Dear Auntie,
My husband left me for another woman 2 months ago! I'm freaking out right now!! I can't even feel anything but fear and failure right now. I'm totally depressed and I'm not sure life is even worth living at this point. He says we can work things out without a lawyer but my family tells me I NEED a lawyer. I can't imagine my future without him. I feel like I'm paralyzed. I can't move in any direction. I'm afraid to do the wrong thing. I don't want to have a long drawn out court battle but I'm afraid if I don't get a lawyer, I will end up with nothing. We've been married for 12 years and own a home together. We don't have any kids together so that isn't an issue. I just don't know what to do next. I can't stop crying. Everyone is telling me I'm better off without him and I know they're right but I can't work due to illness so how am I going to support myself? He says I should move in with one of my kids but I don't want to burden them. They are young adults just starting their families and don't need their mother getting in their way. I hate him Auntie!!! I never imagined I'd end up single again at my age. Now what?
Tearfully yours,
Depressed and alone

Dear Depressed,
I am so sorry to hear that your jerk face husband is one of the many who cheat on their spouses!!! I know exactly how you're feeling right now. I know that fear and depression can be paralyzing. I remember sitting in the dark, alone and crying, feeling like I was completely and utterly alone. My kids would come visit and bring my grandkids over but even seeing their cutie pie faces didn't take away the dark cloud that had filled my heart. I had shut down and stopped talking to people about it because they kept telling me "It will be ok. He's an ass, you're better off without him. You'll find somebody better. Don't be depressed. Go for a walk. Get some sunshine and fresh air." Etc etc etc. blah blah blah...Even people who had been through horrible divorces said stupid stuff like that. So I am NOT going to tell you any of that. At least not in the beginning.
I AM going to tell you to NOT make ANY decisions right now!!! Let me repeat.
. DO NOT MAKE ANY DECISIONS RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!
Do not let your, soon to be ex jerk face, rush you into making a decision on ANYTHING right now. Getting a divorce, especially when it wasn't your choice, is a loss that you will mourn over. Give yourself time to mourn. Be sad, angry, hurt, confused, pissed off, and every other emotion that comes to you. You can't stop being sad or depressed just because someone tells you to stop. You have every right to feel sad or be depressed!! Most days, in the beginning, I didn't even get out of jammies. Some days I couldn't even bring myself to take a shower. I just didn't care; about anything. The few people I did tell, about how depressed I was, would tell me "You have so much to live for. Your kids and grandkids etc". The truth is, I was so depressed that even my kids and grandkids weren't reason enough to get up in the morning. You have to allow yourself time to heal. Tell people "Just give me time to feel what I'm feeling. Then I will make some decisions." How much time? Well that is different for everyone. Don't let anyone rush you or pressure you. But at the same time, your jerk face isn't going to wait forever. I would say that it's probably time, since its been 2 months, to ask your doctor about an anti-depressant. Just to get you over the hump.
Personally, I try not to take meds if I can find a natural alternative. *I am not a doctor and my opinion should not be taken as medical advice. Always seek a professional, medical consult before beginning any dietary or supplement regimen.* Sorry but I have to add disclaimers since I am not a medical professional.
Anyway...this is what I did. My daughter was getting really worried about me so she did a ton of research on depression and natural remedies for it. She found that Niacin (vitamin B3) had been found to "cure" severe depression. It is water soluble, like Vit C, and whatever your body does not need/use will pass through your urine. I started taking 1, 500mg capsule, 3 times per day for a few days and then upped the dosage to 2 capsules, 3 times a day, then 3 capsules, 3 times per day and so on, until I felt better. I ended up taking 2000 mg, 3 times a day. That was the dosage that worked for me.
So, whichever route you take, to help your depression, once you start feeling better you can brush your teeth, take a shower, put on your favorite outfit and maybe some makeup and THEN start to make some decisions. Your first decision needs to be that HE is an ass and YOU deserve better!! You deserve to be happy and you deserve, and are entitled to, half of everything you and he own. You are also entitled to alimony and possibly some of his retirement. Each state is different. I do recommend getting an attorney. In some states you can go to the "legal aide society" for free legal services. I don't know if they will represent you in court or just help with paperwork. There can be a lot of paperwork that is very confusing and there are deadlines as to when each paper has to be filed.
Go to your state's website and read up on "contested" and "uncontested" divorce. You need to decide which one is right for you.
Uncontested means you and jerk face agree on how to divide assets, how much alimony, how much retirement you will get and so on. Uncontested is much cheaper and faster, because you don't use a lawyer. You should still get legal advice even if you decide to go this route.
Contested means you and jerk face do NOT agree and want a judge to decide. You and the lawyers will argue your case in court and then the judge will make the decision of what is right and fair for each party. Lawyers usually ask for a "retainer". This means you pay them, up front, a certain amount to represent you. Then on top of that you will pay an hourly fee for every phone call, email, paper written/filed and every other thing they do for you. It ain't cheap I can tell you that!! Ask the divorced people you know if they can refer you to a good lawyer. I STRONGLY suggest that you ask for jerk face to pay your legal fees as part of the settlement. Some judges will award that and some will not but it can't hurt to ask. If you get a lawyer, do not have personal conversations with your ex. You may unknowingly undermine what your lawyer has been discussing with his lawyer.
At this point your friends and family are going to become legal "experts". They'll tell you stories of "my friend did this and this is what you should do". Just thank them for their support and then either file their advice in the "circular file", AKA the trash can, or make a note of it to ask your lawyer.
Speaking of "making a note of it". Get a new notebook and start writing down everything. Keep a list of questions to ask your legal advisor, whether it's the aide society or a paid attorney, write down your thoughts and questions. You've heard the saying, "there are no stupid questions..." Well, sometimes there ARE stupid questions but not in divorce. There are too many different variables in divorce to keep track of yourself so ASK QUESTIONS. Search the Internet. Become your own advocate by researching divorce laws in your state. This will help you come up with questions that you may never have thought of yourself.
Keep EVERYTHING!!! Every letter, every email, every text message. If you have a conversation with your jerk face, as soon as it is over, write down the date, time and every word of the conversation. Both sides. What he said AND what you said. Keeping a log or journal will help you to remember what was actually said and not what your emotions tell you was said months later. Bring your notebook to court with you every time you go. This way you can remind yourself and your attorney, or the judge, what, when and where things happened.
Do not ask for the moon. Only ask for what is "fair". The judge will look more favorably on you if he/she sees that you aren't trying to "take him for all he's worth". That was one of the things my friends and family kept telling me. "Take him for all he's worth". Judges do not have an emotional stake in your divorce and they do not like seeing scorned spouses trying to rake the other spouse over the coals. Find out from your attorney what you are entitled to under the laws of your state and ask for exactly that. Make sure your attorney knows of your inability to work. That will factor into the settlement you receive. IF you became disabled DURING your marriage, you may be entitled to more. As an example, jerk face may have to continue to pay for your medical expenses even after the divorce is final. And we all know that medical insurance, meds, hospital stays, surgeries and more, can put you straight into the poor house.
Be ready. You can't really prepare yourself for the emotional ups and downs of the divorce process but do not be caught off guard either. Again, knowledge is key. Educate yourself so if jerk face and his attorney start playing dirty, you know what the law says. Do not be surprised if jerk face brings up stuff that happened years ago. As one example, my ex jerk face wanted me to "reimburse" him $32,000 for an inheritance he received a year after we got married. First off, the actual amount was only $17,000 and secondly, we used that money to buy a car that he took with him when he left me. I had ALL the paperwork we ever received abut the inheritance and the car so I was able to prove that he was lying. When I told him I had proof, he dropped that subject altogether. HA! I'm no dummy you jackass!!!!
Now, speaking of paperwork, get yours together. Every bill, receipt, tax statements, pay stubs, mortgage documents, HELOC statements, credit card statements, etc... Everything you can find from the entire time you've been married. Including your medical records/bills. You may or may not need some of these but better prepared than sorry. Find them now so that when you have a deadline to file something with the courts you aren't scrambling and stressing out trying to find that one piece of paper in a sea of papers. You do not need more stress in your life right now. Make a permanent divorce file. Keep this file for many years!! I don't have an exact number of years so I suggest a timeline of...forever. Not really forever but you never know if jerk face is going to take you back to court years from now to try and change your settlement. If he changes jobs, gets married, has more kids, gets injured and can't work, retires or whatever, he may try to get your settlement changed so he can pay you less or stop paying you altogether. And if you've never done it before, start keeping a separate file, from the date of your divorce forward, of all your living expenses and medical expenses. You may need to use them in the future as well.
Make sure you are at least trying to take care of yourself. I know how hard it is when you're under so much stress but you HAVE TO at least try. Get enough sleep, make sure you are eating healthy and if you can, get a little bit of exercise and time outdoors. Sunshine is the best natural remedy for stress and depression. Do not let jerk face win by allowing yourself to fall apart completely.
And don't be afraid to ask for help. You are NOT alone and people will want to be there for you, so let them. Let them cook for you. Except the invites to coffee or dinner. Try to find something other than the divorce and your jerk face to talk about. If you can't think of anything else because your entire life IS your divorce right now, ask people how they are doing. What they are doing. People love to talk about themselves and their kids so let them. It will give you a little down time to NOT think about the divorce.
Just because it's "final" does not mean its "over", emotionally speaking. Once the judge signs off on your divorce and your papers get processed and stamped "Final on this date", there are going to be many more emotions that come. So again, you can't really be prepared for what you'll feel or how you'll respond but be ready. You'll get your final papers in the mail. On that day, you're going to feel "something". Maybe you'll be happy and relieved that its over or maybe you'll be sad again that your marriage is over. Then you may start getting letters in the mail from insurance companies, credit card companies etc. It seemed like all these companies were rubbing it in my face and reminding me that I was a failure because my marriage was over. I remember asking, out loud, "How many times and in how many ways can the world keep reminding me that I am a middle aged, failure and will be alone for the rest of my life?" I cried each time something new showed up in the mail, teasing me, taunting me and reminding me that I am now single at my age. Allow yourself to feel those feelings but DO NOT let jerk face "win" by letting yourself go back to that dark and lonely place you were when this divorce began. When you get one of these letters, cry for a bit and then call a girlfriend and go out and celebrate that you have a new lease on life.
You get a "do over". You get to reinvent yourself. You get the opportunity to start from scratch and become anything or anyone you want. You're like the kid that just graduated high school, except, YOU have hindsight on your side. You have life experience on your side that the 18 year old, high school grad, doesn't have. Therefore you can make more educated decisions on which direction you want your life to go.
Do not live in the past, full of regret but rather look to your future, full of excitement for the new things that you will create in your life.
I hope to hear from you again. And I hope that you are able sign your letter, "Happy, Healthy, Single and ready to take on a new world".
With love and encouragement
Auntie
You can email me questions at askauntieann@gmail.com


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